Outlive the ordinary.
Live the extraordinary.
I hope you bloom, even when you fall 🍂
Adopting my cat coco, watching her grow up was like witnessing a little child grow. Her innocent brown eyes. And then more cats came but she is still my favourite. Her giving birth. She wanted me there the whole time. Then watching her kittens grow.
The first sunset after I tried to kill myself, I realised I would’ve missed that. Reading 300 books the next year. Pizza and Italian food. Watching the night sky. I knew all of the constellations but I like counting them again and again. The laughter of my sisters. Discovering my dream to write poetry. Knowing that I am clean from doing self harm since the last 6 years. Adopting another cat. Her name is “chutki”. It means ‘little one’. I would’ve missed waking up to her kisses and sleeping to the sounds of her purring. Realising that I want to be an author. Finding two of my heartbeats, mum and rabbit, my closest friends from the poetry account I created on Instagram. Going on a trip to the mountains with my renewed family. Velvet dresses. Going alone to the seashore to find peace. Being the ace in my class, overcoming my fear of leadership, helping people, kindness towards my own self and towards others. My tears while writing this.
I would’ve missed the cool air on my skin, butterflies and daydreaming. Buying new earrings, having new dreams. Mostly, for giving myself another chance, to hope. I would’ve missed so much. I would’ve missed myself. I’m still on the path of healing, most days I still hurt but I’m grateful that I’m here. I’m grateful for living.
It’s another day and I’m hoping for a miracle to happen, a star to fall in my lap, a love for a lifetime, something that begins my dream career, my friends to be happy, peace in my sister’s heart.
I am anxious today. Waiting is no fun game but they say patience is a virtue and I was wondering how long, how long until this happens? How long until my wishes come true? How long until I lose hope? How long because I’ve been dreaming about it since a decade and the days pass by and I wish hard and work harder than before.
How long I ask the sky, the trees, the stars. How long I ask my veins, the blood flowing through my heart. Mostly, I ask the universe because I know its worth the wait but I’m so so so tired and it feels like I’m already late. How long? I ask again….
I don’t know how to begin, I don’t know where to end. I lie on the couch all day, scrolling through the social media posts, watching people live their lives when I don’t know where to begin mine or how to. I scroll past each post with more and more questions and no answers.
My thoughts run faster than my thumb. I like some things, some dark academia quote, someone’s smiling face, people being happy. Then I scroll past those and I’m back to the sad reality of myself. I read posts where they say it’s going to be “Okay”. I don’t know what my “Okay” is. Who is my “Okay”? Am I my “Okay”? What if I’m not my own “Okay”?